(Being Mummy) Recent nightmares.

I hate to admit that recently, I haven't been the best mummy. Perhaps due to a growth spurt, Leia has been extremely fussy this past week:

1. She only wants to be rocked to sleep in her bouncer. For both day naps and night sleep. Now we can't rock her to sleep in our arms anymore. She will kick up a big fuss and won't stop crying.

2. Unlike previously, she does not stay asleep after her middle of the night feed. So I gotta rock her to sleep in my grogginess and exhaustion. This is soooo hard because I have to get used to being very awake in the wee hours again. I can't just transfer her to the cot immediately after feeding.

In response the her recent behaviors, I'm ashamed to say that I've actually done the following on separate occasions:

- Let her cry it out for 5 mins on her crib. This 5 mins seemed like the longest 5 mins of my life. My heart felt so painful looking at her sob but I was too frustrated to pick her up. I was at the brink of my sanity. 

- Bounce her a lil too vigorously. I'm definitely not proud of this. This happened last night when she just won't.go.to.sleep and rocking her in my arms didn't seem to work. I kept wondering out loud why she was being like this since she always fell asleep after her milk in the past. Thank goodness G was there to help me regain my patience and remind me that our little one is just a baby who needs comforting.

- Speak to her in harsh tones. I've whispered fiercely telling her to go to bed. I've told her how naughty she was. How tired she was making me. Things I regret saying because she's my lil angel who doesn't know any better.

One one hand, I've been feeling so frustrated and angry at Leia. Her constant crying was driving me insane. On the other, I feel so guilty, remorseful and inadequate as a mother. I felt horrible that I could not soothe or calm her. Worse still, I was mad at my own baby for expressing herself through crying. 

It's hard being a mother and I'm trying. I'm trying to be more patient. I'm trying to  remind myself my darling is just a baby who loves me and I love her. I'm trying to be a better person for her. And I pray for strength. Please please let me pull through this.